Is this when I write?
When I feel most uncertain? When my mind is plagued with what if’s?When for no reason, I want to curl into a ball and drown my thoughts in tears?
I’m choosing to write right now, not because I want to, but because I have to learn how to exist outside of my emotions. If I had my way, I’d be watching youtube videos to distract me from the choking fear of inadequacy. I’d be doing anything to suppress the seed of doubt threatening to take root in my mind.
Instead, I’m here. Feeling worthless, but here nonetheless. Before I began writing this, I went to my Bible. I’m doing a plan on the bible app that teaches ten habits of intimacy with God. I’m two days behind, so I read for September 29th. The lesson spoke about learning to live out every moment of life walking in God’s grace. I dismissed the reading thinking, “Yea, yea, grace. I don’t want a devotional, I want help.” Despite my impatience, I continued on to the scriptures that supported the reading. Nothing stood out until 2 Corinthians 12:9 was offered for review.
Reading this verse was both affirming and hopeful. But more than that, it opened my eyes to my own frailty. I’m embarrassed at how easily I was led astray from my identity in God. I’m thankful I was granted the strength to seek a different strategy against this attack instead of wallowing in the devil’s lies about me.
Even now as I write, I’m beginning to feel the weight of this emotional attack being lifted. I understand now that it was a test to see if I could stand on God’s word and reassure myself against a psychological attack from the enemy. I didn’t think I could. I was prepared to retreat into my usual hiding place and wait for the assault to pass. But grace.
I turned to God and referenced who His word proclaims I am. My spirit smiles because I know that God has made me victorious in this battle. And along with it, He has blessed me with the vision to see a spark of something I rarely acknowledge in myself-