Climbing out of the Cave

I slept for over twelve hours last night. I didn’t get up until noon today. I want to go back to sleep but I can’t. I’m awake and being plagued by all the bizarre dreams I had last night. The most frightening one: I got fired. Dreams sometimes feel like an extension of reality. Dream emotions don’t feel any different than those of reality. I woke up to my heart drumming the beat of fear. It took me a few minutes to realign myself back to the dim room in New Jersey. And even once I convinced myself that it was just a dream, I still couldn’t completely shake what had seemed real just a few moments before. The dream was a replay of the year 2014 for me. A new job, a new place, and a wrecking ball.

I want to go back to sleep, but I don’t want to dream. My friend thinks I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I only wish it was that simple. Go back to bed, wake up, feel better. No this is much more. Today my burdens have mounted to the apex of my soul, and have nowhere to go but out. That’s made obvious by my melodramatic writing and bitter attitude. Truth is, I don’t have any real burdens. None worth mentioning in light of real atrocities.

I am my burden. Stubborn and strong willed about things I never do. I read my Bible. I read spiritually enlightening books. I think. Sometimes I hear from God. I do…I do nothing. I told my best friend today, God himself could stand before me and point out the direction I’m to take and I would remain another throw pillow on this couch. Given clear and direct instructions and still doing nothing.

I am my burden. “90 Days of Reign,” is my burden. A book God gave me that I only talk about because I’m too afraid to write it. Everyday, blank pages haunt me. I fill those pages with sleep, useless conversations, and thinning oxygen. Where does confidence come from? How do people know they can do something? Why aren’t they afraid to go for their dreams and I am. Is there a secret store that sells confidence and self assurance? Did I miss something growing up? Was I not pushed hard enough? Or am I just a coward. I know that God says our confidence should be in him, not ourselves, but why doesn’t that feel like enough? I thought I trusted God, but now I don’t know. My actions don’t reflect that I do. It’s not my book, this is not my blog, the vlog I want to start will not be my vlog. It’s all in his name and to his glory, right? Then, why am I still afraid to do any of it?

This post is obviously more questions than answers and maybe I’m just having a bad day. I’ve been in an apartment by myself for a day and a half, plans unknown. I’ve run out of distractions. If I hadn’t chewed my nails off, maybe I would’ve painted them. I cooked last night. I washed last night. I just discovered, “Gilmore Girls,” maybe I could watch that. No, today calls for bigger distractions than nail painting and television shows. I guess it calls for poor grammar writing.

I’m also reading this book. “Driven by Eternity,” by John Bevere. It’s freaking me out. It’s not at all for the faint of heart, let me tell you. It’s all about purpose. Well heaven and hell…and purpose. I’m not concerned about heaven and hell, but I do worry about what my life will look like when I stand before God. I want to have fulfilled his plan for my life here on Earth. The thought of watching some holograph of me sleeping my life away or travelling, or getting married and buying a house, and never answering the call of God is such a dread filled and terrifying prospect. What’s the point of being in this beautiful revolving hell if we don’t douse it with heaven?

And still, why am I so petrified? God’s influence in my life is growing but my body is floating in quick sand. Maybe, I just have never been exposed to hard work and I’m afraid of getting my hands dirty. Maybe I really am a coward. But should it matter if I am? Not by might, not by power, but by my spirit says the Lord. I mean, right? What am I missing? I sense the key all around me, but never tactile. I don’t trust God or do I? For he has not given me a spirit of fear but…of power, love, and a sound mind. I had to look the last part up. What exactly is power?

According to Dictionary.com, power is: ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.

Did I just grasp the truth that’s been surrounding me all along? He has given me the spirit of power…of action. I feel lifted, so much lighter. Better. I’m going to call my friend and apologize for being crabby earlier today.

If you’re reading, thanks for joining me in this nonsensical climb out of the enemy’s cave. I don’t know a lot. In truth, I don’t know most things. Though there are two things I’m quite certain of: God is perfect and everything makes sense in written form. Even if I’m bad at it, I’m accepting that writing is my super power. I know it’s an oxymoron, but it’s very befitting of my day so I’m sticking with it.

5 thoughts on “Climbing out of the Cave

  1. There’s the first day/chapter of your book right there! And I know the feeling of going round and round the daily routines and wondering if you’re making a difference or fulfilling your purpose…. But you are, and you will!

      • I’m glad to help. My wife and I are missionaries in Nagoya, Japan, a place we love with wonderful people. She’s teaching English using the Bible and other Christian books, but although we see some progress no-one has so far made that step of faith to say “I believe and want to be baptised!” Meanwhile, I’m keeping house and often wasting my time with distractions. So what are we doing really? We’re sure we are answering God’s call for this phase of our lives (we’ll be 65 this summer!) but what are we accomplishing? Are we doing it right? Are we missing something? So I understand how you feel to some extent at least. The fact that it bothers you is a good sign! Now let that spur you to more action in His power… 😔

      • Stephen, knowing that you and your wife are over in Nagoya, Japan answering the call of God even in uncertainty really inspires me. You guys are so brave. There’s purpose in the wait, right? 🙂

  2. Thanks for your honest lines. Life does not always go straight.
    The diary entries by Klaus Bockmühl, written shortly before his death, help me in difficult times:
    “Let us be listeners is the first step to let us be lovers. Gratitude is the door to spiritual orientation and emotional stability.”
    “You have a place in the heart of God which nobody else can fill. This is unconditional love.

    And 15 years ago, I wrote down something that I would like to share with you:
    “Knowing and loving God means more than doing well, life offers us the opportunity to endure broken dreams and to discover that we are only longing to surrender to the perfect love of God, the love that became visible When Jesus died for us, broken dreams give God the opportunity to work harder on us than ever before and to grasp our empty self. ”

    Otherwise, Lawrence Crabb’s pastoral books helped a lot to find my way to following Jesus. Maybe the book “Shattered Dreams – God’s Pathway to Joy” could help you.
    be blessed
    your Hendrik

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