Maybe To-later

It’s what my three year old nephew says when he doesn’t want to do something right away. I like it. Mostly because I’m feeling one hundred percent maybe to-later today. I have nothing for you guys: no epiphanies or spiritual awakenings. I have drained words of honesty to offer, but that’s about it. I’m always tired, but yesterday and today especially, I’ve been a walking personification of exhaustion. I’m on leg two of three for today and thank God this last flight to Nashville is only an hour and five minutes.

Since I relaunched my blog back in February, I’ve been dreading today. I knew it would come because it always does with me. My fingers are heavy as they graze over the keyboard, but I’m trying to power through. I had already halfway made up in my mind that I would skip out on posting today. I have no material, not much time to come up with anything, and I know the moment I get to my hotel room, I’m going to pass out.

But if I allow days like today to defeat me, I know I won’t make it very far. Days when I think I’m too tired, lacking in energy, depleted of mental capacity to do the things I’ve committed to. I promised myself that this time I would prove to myself that I can be consistent. Reliable. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are the days I post on “Soul Bare.” Period. If I don’t post today because I don’t feel like it, I’m taking ten steps back that I’ve taken too many times over again. Even though I know the WordPress community is not going to protest, or even notice if I don’t post today,  it’s still important that I do. I’m doing it for me. Hashtag selfish.

I only have eleven minutes and thirty seconds left on Chicago O’ Hare’s complimentary wifi, so I’ll wrap this up. Today’s post means nothing and yet, for me, it means so much. It means that I’m learning to fight past my feelings and emotions. I’m pushing beyond my boundaries to do the things I know need to be done regardless of if I’d rather do them later. This feeling of wanting to skip out on my commitment will reemerge, but I’ll have the ammunition to combat it. I’ll have today. I’ll remember that I didn’t feel like it, but I did it anyway.  When I wanted to fall asleep I forced myself to stay awake and do the work.

Maybe some of you feel the same way today. You want to abandon responsibility and slip away into a deep sleep. I hope this post will at the very least, encourage you to push through. I know you’ll be glad you did. What’s funny is that, as lethargic as I am right now, writing you all (and myself) has given me a boost of energy I wouldn’t have thought possible had I chosen to dismiss my commitment today. I think that’s part of the answer. We have to teach ourselves to ignore emotion and find the strength in doing it anyway. I know, easier said than done. But true.

To-later is the easy way out and it feels good for a little while, but when tomorrow arrives, later becomes regret. My three year old nephew doesn’t know any better and I pity him on the day he realizes that some things have to be done today. We however, have expired the luxury of tomorrow.

The answer is today.

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