It’s in the Water

Useless and helpless. Is there a point to this circus? I wish I didn’t exist. I wish nothing existed. Is this even real- am I real? I never want to get out of bed again.  I’m exhausted from worrying, I’m done trying, and I’m tired of being…

Please tell me that I’m not the only one who has encountered these weird and extreme melodramatic bouts of dissatisfaction with life?

It’s a scary state of mind to engage in, yet I find myself frequently playing host to these emotional demons. What’s most odd about these experiences are how temporary they tend to be. Sometimes they last a day or two, and other times, only a few hours. It’s an elusive mix of emotions that has become increasingly daunting.

Not only is it a dreadful frame of mind to fall into, it’s also very draining. By the time it’s over, I have no energy left in my spirit to promote the parts of my life that are most important.

I am conducting a self study in an effort to decipher where these emotional spasms derive from in order to figure out how I can gain control of them. It has almost been a month since I deactivated my Facebook account and it’s not surprising that it has been during this time that these spurts of depression and sadness have increased.

My theory-

American popular culture has put itself in a precarious state and with it, us as individuals. Over the last decade, self indulgence has become the priority of the people. An arguable second, is how quickly we can drown ourselves in those indulgences. Television shows, advertisements, books, and movies, all contribute to this culture.

Our society tells us, if it feels good-do it. If you want it- get it right away. It is this exact lack of self discipline that has led us astray. When we detach ourselves from the media, we are forced to understand that real life requires real work. We become conflicted between idealism and realism and we lose touch with how to handle everyday life. We spend so much time entertaining what we see on television and social media that when our lives don’t line up to those things, we feel useless.

Instead of giving into immediate satisfaction, we must learn to appreciate the art of the struggle. Success is much more gratifying when we can reflect on the journey. Understand that regardless of what anyone says, nothing happens overnight. If there is a goal we want to achieve, we have to work at it every day,  be patient with ourselves and allow room for development and growth.

Not everything we want is what we need, which can be difficult to accept. I think my emotional tantrums have been a result of my frustration that things are not happening as quickly and efficiently as I’d prefer. I have to teach myself discipline, despite what is being taught elsewhere.

We are a people stranded in the middle of a sea, depending on its salt water to quench our thirst. And why not- it’s beautiful, it looks clean, and it’s endless.  But the water we drink is an insidious killer. Always satisfying in the beginning, making us crave its taste more and more. This water preys upon us, as we fall ill to its freedom. Our thoughts become delusional, and our judgement irrational as we vomit every single piece of ourselves back into its venom. If we don’t swim to shore in search of fresh water, the water of a mighty ocean will kill us.


15 thoughts on “It’s in the Water

  1. “If there is a goal we want to achieve, we have to work at it every day, be patient with ourselves and allow room for development and growth.”
    I have found, Nicole, this is so important in our lives. There is no ‘one’ answer, but many keys to open many answers. First and foremost comes patience with ourselves. All the best in your journey to you…

  2. People feel depressed and they do nothing, but YOU, you find the root cause with a mission to control this demon.
    That’s inspiring.😊

    • Thank you much. Feeling less than in any capacity is not fun and I know that none of us were created to feel that way. So yea, like you said, it’s just a matter of getting to the base of the problem. 🙂

  3. SOUL FULL ❤
    You articulate this reality beautifully. I loved the salt/sea water analogy.
    I feel your theory is spot on and one of my current truths. Something that gets me by is realizing that I am "awake" and fully committed to this process. I believe that once someone is awake, going back to sleep is much harder than staying in the game. You WILL get where you are trying to go. It's a "long game". ❤

  4. I didn’t see your entire comment before. You are so right about being awake. It’s a matter of us all waking up and how to deal with the reality outside of the dream!

  5. Absolutely, you will get to where you are trying to go.

    I know a lot about feeling down… but I feel more confident that everything will be Ok when I see your honesty, your realness.

    God breaks through the plastic world I’ve created in the honesty – and vulnerability – that people like you display. God smashes through all the Facebook Facades with your kind of grace-filled, counter cultural courage and daring of your writings that invite more of us to do the same…so I know you are going to get to where you want to be.

    I’m still trying to get past the plastic of “everyone’s fine”. I want be more real, which in my world means becoming more vulnerable. I have a deeper appreciation for your courage to lower or toss the mask completely because I’m so not there yet, Celestial. Oh how jealous I am of your strength. Of course, I know that life “unmasked” and trying to walk in Truth is not a cakewalk by any means and will have its own share of messiness. I’m realizing through your posts and many newly God arranged moments just how far I’ve got to go on my own journey…so for me the toughest part is not the flash flood(s) of emotional or mental turmoil…Im seeing now the toughest part is feeling the shame or fear of talking about feeling discouraged, and feeling the horrible loneliness of feeling the “everyone’s fine except me” or going through so much effort to hide the rising floodwater of turmoil in whatever way I can possibly mask that.

    I pray for this courage, this freedom from living without a mask or three… yet I feel sure that keeping company with lovers of Truth/God – who place such a high value on being themselves in the way God designed and trying to trust in God every step of the way – is a big step on the journey, Celestial.

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